


It's Dark Inside

by Tasfanfics



Category: Divergent - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Love, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 18:42:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16792576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tasfanfics/pseuds/Tasfanfics
Summary: A battle with self-esteem, but who wins? Tris or the monster inside her head?





	It's Dark Inside

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot was such a touchy piece to write because I personally feel the way I made Tris feel in this story - like she's not enough - and I bet thousands of girls and boys feel this way, too. However, thankfully, I haven't went as far. The suicidal thoughts were added to convey the story I had in mind, but please if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, reach out for help. You're not alone <3

Her mind was reeling yet she couldn’t move, her heart beating in a frenzy yet dead inside. She understood it perfectly; God knows she did. But it didn’t make it any easier on her sullen soul to accept the fact that she’ll always fall short of others no matter what she did. A tear, then another, slipped painfully down her flushed cheeks as she sucked in deep breaths, trying to gain control like she so often did, but this wasn’t the first time she thought of her inadequacy in all areas of life, more like the millionth. Like a mantra, it played in her head until she thought she would scream, but they always say one’s own mind is one’s worst enemy, right? Maybe she can just give up on it all; maybe it _is_ true after all, if everything she is and does isn’t enough.

Stepping into the shower, she turned on the water at its fullest flow, not bothering to rid herself of the tanktop and shorts she wore before stepping into the cold downpour created by the showerhead. Maybe if she stays under the freezing water for long enough, life will slip out of her, ridding her of the monster clawing its way out from inside.

She doesn’t know how long she stays just sitting as the water mixed with her warm salty tears, but it must be a considerable amount because she’s a shivering mess of limbs. Yet, she can’t bring herself to change the temperature to something warmer, and maybe it’s because her limbs are numb or because she’s slumped against the wall, unable to move from the beast residing on her chest.

It’s hard to be sure if she’s actually hearing knocks or if her mind is playing tricks, but despite her efforts to mutter a ‘yes’, nothing but a hoarse mumble slips past her lips. Not a second later she could blurrily see, through the droplets gathering on her eyelashes, Tobias barge into the bathroom and hear him let out a strangled scream, but she doesn’t react, too lost in her sea of emotions to speak.

“Tris? Baby, talk to me,” Tobias practically pleaded, one hand flying to cup her face while the other changed the temperature of the water to warm after he opened the shower doors and crouched next to her.

Despite the thoughts crowding her head, she didn’t know what to say. It was almost like searching for a needle in a haystack, so she just followed his every movement with barely focused eyes. Oh, how she just wanted to slip away into nothingness.

Sitting in the shower with her, he pulled her into his lap, her side tucked into his chest as he surrounded her limp body with his arms before maneuvering them so his back was against the wall. With soft strokes, Tobias ran his hand over Tris’ hair, following downwards to her back and up again, and eventually, she laid her head on his shoulder, her arms snaking around his neck. And the feeling crept its way back into her numbness to the world, leaving her heaving for breaths as she trembled against him, sobs scratching her throat on their way out.

He held her tighter, caressing her face with one hand. “I love you, Tris. Whatever it is, I promise we’ll get through it. _Together_.”

His statement seemed to draw more out of her because she tightened her grip on him, body shaking with such force he thought she’d break in her fragile state.

They sat under the shower, long after she stopped shaking with anguish, but she never uttered a word, leaving him guessing the reason to her unexpected breakdown. He stayed patient throughout it all, murmuring reassurances and hugging her close, occasionally allowing his fingers to thread through her hair.

“I’m sorry,” she finally mumbled.

“Hey,” he said, tilting her chin so she was looking at him.“You have nothing to apologize for, alright?”

She almost started crying again from the intensity he withheld in his gaze but blinked back the tears that seemed to form out of nowhere.

He stood up, carrying her bridal style out of the shower before setting her down on stiff legs and getting a towel. His whole being radiated tenderness as he lifted her soaked top over her head, doing the same with the rest of her clothes and helping her dry off, wrapping the towel tightly around her before getting a new set of clothes from their closet.

Bending down, he guided her legs into dry underwear and shorts, slipping them up and planting a kiss on her stomach before following suit with a shirt. Carefully, he brushed her hair, knowing she hated to leave it wild and tangled after the shower, and gathered her blonde tresses into a neat braid, planting a kiss on her cheek. With his hands resting on her shoulders, he steadily turned her around to face him, gathering her in his arms, her own slipping around his middle.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” he whispered, his breaths tickling her ear.

For a while, she stood in silence, not knowing whether she wanted to share her misery or keep it to herself, but finally, she nodded against his chest, arguing that he deserved to know. Leading the way, he sat on the couch in the living room, and she climbed onto his lap, her legs circling his waist as she leaned her head on his shoulder. Tobias rubbed her back in efforts to get her to relax.

“You can tell me anything,” he coaxed softly.

“I...I just.” Her grip suddenly tightened on his shoulders, making him soothingly stroke her hand. “I’m so sorry, Tobias,” she apologized, her voice breaking with emotion.

“I told you, you have nothing to be sorry about, Tris.”

“I know...God, I know I’m not enough...and I hate myself for it,” she whispered, choking on the words.

His heart clenched at her words, at the way she said them so certainly that she must truly believe them.

“You are enough, more than enough, love. I swear you are,” he whispered back, voice thick with emotion.

She leaned back, peering at him. “But you don’t see what I see…I’m not smart enough, beautiful enough, caring enough. I’m just _not enough_.”

He gathered her face in his palms, touching his forehead to hers. “Let me show you how I see you, then.” He pressed his lips to her forehead, urging her to her feet before taking them to their bedroom. When he led her in front of the mirror, he could see her visibly tense, her gaze diverting away from her reflection, but he wasn’t going to give up on her. With a gentle touch, he guided her back to her reflection.

“I don’t want to do this,” she weakly protested, recoiling against his chest, but he ignored her plea.

“Everyday when I wake up, I see the sun before I open the blinds.” He unties her hair, letting the golden strands fall loosely on her shoulders. “I’m met with beautiful blue skies and roses.” Slowly, he traces her eyelids and lips. “I get to hear beautiful melodies that no one else gets to hear.” His hand drifts lower till it reaches her heart. “And even when the skies could be a little gloomy,” he says, lightly skimming the tender flesh under her eyes, “all I see is the rainbow.”

No matter how hard her mind was trying to guide her away from his gaze and from her own that stared back relentlessly now, she couldn’t, his sincerity tugging her towards him.

“You know what else I see, Tris?” Tobias asks, pausing to wrap his hands around her stomach. “I see a brave soul that fought and sacrificed and loved and saved a million others. I see a friend who refused to let others get hurt. I see a daughter who sacrificed her life for the safety of her family. I see a lover who built her partner up and made him believe he was worthy of love, so please, let me make you believe it, too.”

He stared at her through the mirror, his eyes boring into her so intensely she couldn’t help but nod, a few tears leaking from her orbs. She turned around, stepping onto her tiptoes, and pressed her lips to his lovingly, hoping to convey her gratitude of his support. No matter what, with Tobias by her side, loving her and assuring her and touching her like that, maybe she could learn to love herself the way he loves her.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this one-shot leave a comment or kudos!


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